I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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