They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
