the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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