Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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