i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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