Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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