The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
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