he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
