just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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