This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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