I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
