Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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