life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
