I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
