Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
