yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
