M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
