If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
