So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
