I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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