oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
