I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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