end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
