I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
