I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
