Cold hands, warm shart.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
