Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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