the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
