I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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