you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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