She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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