I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
