my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
