Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
