i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
