got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
