Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he thought i was a dude.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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