You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
