I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
