Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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