I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
