those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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