The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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