This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
