In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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