I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
