Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
