i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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