soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
