I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
