I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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