the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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